I Told My Daughter She Couldn’t Join Us for Christmas—The 2 AM Call I Got Was Beyond Terrifying
I (34F) and my spouse, Jason (39M), have been married for three years. He has two daughters from his former marriage: Emily (10F) and Lily (8F). I also have a daughter from my former relationship, Ava (12F). She has always struggled with her stepfamily. The transition has not been easy, but I have done my best to build a pleasant blended family. However, Ava has been exceedingly disrespectful to Jason and his daughters since day one.
She refuses to interact with them, refers to Jason as “the guy Mom married” rather than his given name, and has explicitly stated that Emily and Lily “don’t belong here.” I’ve talked to her numerous times, grounded her, removed her privileges–nothing works. Jason has been patient and tolerant, but I can tell it is wearing on him. Last week was the breaking point. She caught her stepsister with her art tools.
Ava came home from school, noticed Emily playing with her art tools (with permission), and said, “Get your dirty hands off my stuff, you little brat!” What made matters worse was that she ruined her stepsister’s art effort. Jason stepped in, but Ava shot out, “You’re not my dad, so don’t tell me what to do!” That night, I sat down with her and emphasized that her behavior was unacceptable. “Ava, this is unfair to everyone. “You’re being mean, and it has to stop,” I stated.
She crossed her arms and stared at me. “You are constantly on their side. Maybe I should just leave so everyone can be happy.” Her words stung, and I eventually snapped, “If you can’t respect our family, you won’t be joining us for Christmas.” When she found out she wouldn’t be able to make it to Christmas this year, everything went wrong.
“You’re the worst mother ever! “One day, you’ll be sorry!” she cried, storming into her room.Fast forward to the night following the argument. Later, about 2 a.m., my phone buzzed. An unknown number contacted me five times before I answered. On the other end, I overheard a strange man remark, “You think you can just abandon your daughter and get away with it?”
I froze. “Who is this?” He chuckled darkly. “A friend who thinks you need a wake-up call” Terrified, I hung up and checked on Ava, only to find her bed vacant. I immediately dialed her phone, and she answered on the second ring. “Ava, where are you?!” I demanded. She sounded arrogant. “Do not worry, I am safe. Maybe now you’ll see what a terrible mother you are.”
Turns out, Ava had gone to her father’s place without notifying me. She’d taken my Christmas threats and turned them into a sob story for him, who then called the strange man–his brother–to scare me. Jason was furious when he learned out and called Ava’s father to correct the record. Meanwhile, my family has been calling me heartless for excluding Ava from Christmas, claiming it is my responsibility to love her unconditionally, even when she is difficult.
I feel stuck right now. I love my kid, but her conduct is out of control. Jason feels I made the correct decision and that Ava deserves harsh love, but my mother contacted me crying and said I was pushing my daughter away. Ava is still refusing to apologize and doubling back, claiming that I prefer my “new family” above her. Did I go too far, or was this essential for the good of everyone involved?